No, I’m Not Dead Yet!

Four years it’s been since I’ve updated or posted here. I am happy to say that I have been cancer free for the last three years now. Two surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation… I imagined that post radiation I was glowing in the dark like some strange entity that escaped from Chernobyl.

Since this time we have all sheltered in place due to the plague (Covid19). Some have gone stir crazy, others have embraced lock down. I’ve learned to shop for groceries online and have them delivered. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I do miss looking and sorting through the produce myself to find that one perfect “whatever” for my cooking pleasure.

We do go outside and walk the dog. I purchased a wonderful large size halter for the 20 pound cat. I thought walking her would be just a great idea! The large halter was a tad small for our extra large cat. Putting it on her was challenging. She stood for a moment, then just fell over on her side. IT WAS HILARIOUS! Every time I picked her up, she would fall right over again. I should have begun this when she was a Kit, but she is eight and well, bossy. As a cat, she obviously owns us and not the other way around. Since this lovely halter vest cost a bit of money, I now use it for clipping her nails. She is just paralyzed when it is on her.

I’m not sure how everyone else has navigated the “Lock Downs” but it has been full of angst and heartbreak. We both lost our mother’s during this time. Husband’s mother was 99-years old and we were expecting her to go at anytime. She passed in June.

My mother, who had been living in Arizona in a senior independent living facility, decided last May she just couldn’t live in a lock-down environment and moved from here to Ohio. Right after Christmas she was hospitalized with pneumonia and Covid19. She passed on January 4th. The hardest part was knowing she was alone, with no family to hold her hand and whisper loving things into her ear…

Tamara Farner-Swerline

The Plague of 2020/2021

I don't watch the clock as much as I use to
the days of the month run together as if is were a glass
spilling over the edge and running across the table
onto the floor without any consideration

I hesitate then proceed to the cupboard
there the medications that are supposed to control 
this clinical depression are hiding in the container
where I have placed them

Seeing the medications all neatly stored
in their own containers, all in a row like little soldiers
awaiting their chance to plunge into the fray and win
the battle of depression

"Oh boys, boys! How many of you have
been offered to the gods of mental health only to find
that the neural pathways have been altered and all that
you have been designed to do fails?"

Looking down again at the container I realize
it's only Tuesday and I have no reals plans for the day
that looms ahead so I prepare for Holy Communion as the
pill transforms into bread and the water becomes as wine

I offer it to the gods of mental health praying that this day
if I am not healed that I am quieting the demons
that are running through my mind

~The Prison Librarian

A New Day – A New Year

It is my custom to have a time of meditation and read at least one piece of poetry daily. Then to make the bed and straighten the bathroom and towels. Little rituals that help me to set the tone of the day.

At the day’s end, I try to be sure the dishes are washed, the sink empty and everything is “in its place”.

It doesn’t always happen, but it is a ritual I try to keep.

My poetry comes daily from the Poetry Foundation and then from Robert Okaji at O at the Edges. His offering for New Year’s was a very rich piece entitled Year’s End – you can follow the link to read his piece.

Today I received the daily offering from the Poetry Foundation and it, too was a wonderful offering by Naomi Shihab Nye. I offer it here for your review.

~The Prison Librarian

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Burning the Old Year

BY NAOMI SHIHAB NYE

Letters swallow themselves in seconds.
Notes friends tied to the doorknob,
transparent scarlet paper,
sizzle like moth wings,
marry the air.

So much of any year is flammable,
lists of vegetables, partial poems.
Orange swirling flame of days,
so little is a stone.

Where there was something and suddenly isn’t,
an absence shouts, celebrates, leaves a space.
I begin again with the smallest numbers.

Quick dance, shuffle of losses and leaves,
only the things I didn’t do
crackle after the blazing dies.

The Poet Ai

One of the most wonderful things that happened by collaborating with Regents Professor Richard Shelton of the University of Arizona was that of receiving boxes of books for our prison library for the creative writing workshop. It was always like Christmas when the boxes arrived and the inmate clerks and I began to process the items. Honestly, some of the books and poetry reviews were immediately cataloged and put on display and others, well, we kept them for ourselves.

There was a sweetness to be the first person to open a book or review and read the words before anyone else had deposited their DNA on it. Selfish perhaps, but sweet. It was prison after all.

One of the poets whose work I began reading was Ai. Her work was scintillating and disturbing at the same time. Often, I had to put her work aside until such time as I could pick it up again, just due to the very nature and treatment of her subject matter.

A bit about Ai –

Poet

Florence Anthony was an American poet and educator who legally changed her name to Ai Ogawa. She won the 1999 National Book Award for Poetry for Vice: New and Selected Poems.

Born: October 21, 1947, Albany, TX
Died: March 20, 2010, Stillwater, OK
Education: University of California, Irvine (1971), University of Arizona
Awards: National Book Award for Poetry, American Book Awards, More
Nominations: NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Literary Work – Poetry

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Motherhood, 1951 - Poem by Ai Ogawa

Dear Saint Patrick, this is Peggy,
Or maybe it’s Pegeen to you,
Well, I’m really Stella Mae.
Peggy’s my nickname,
But anyway, will you please tell me
What to do about the rattlesnake
That’s in my room?
I know it’s there,
But I can’t find it anywhere I search.
I’ve ransacked the closet more than once,
Because that’s where we found the skin it shed.
I even put the cat in there and shut the door,
But he only went to sleep on my new dress
Which he had clawed from a hanger.
My grandma, Maggie, says you drove the snakes from Ireland
And they came here to Arizona.
She’s right, you know
For didn’t a rattler kill our cat, Blackie?
There he was beside the porch, stiff as a board
And baby Florence saw it.
She’s only three and doesn’t need to see death like that, not yet.
If you can, let her believe for now
That we will live forever.
Anyhow, I’m pregnant again.
I know I’ve sinned
But I am paying for it.
Don’t make my girl suffer
Because her mother used poor judgment
And got herself in trouble out of wedlock.
My mother’s disappointed in me.
My father doesn’t care
And says I don’t have to marry
Just to have a name for this one in the oven.
Father says there’s nothing wrong with our name
And will serve the babe as well as any other,
But mother is determined to give this one a legal father
Like Baby Florence has, but only on paper.
She doesn’t have a father either,
But she’s got her granddad, he says
And goes to work. He is a barber.
Mother is a cook and she works longer hours,
So I’m here with Baby Florence
And that infernal snake all day.
Outside, the new cat, dogs, chickens and hogs
Roam about the yard,
But they can’t help me, can they?
I keep praying, but you don’t answer.
I guess you’ve got no time for me,
So armed with a shovel,
I go in the closet once again
And succeed in smashing a wall.
Bits of plaster fall on my head,
But I don’t mind.
I’d rather be dead than never find the thing
That crawls about the room
Without fear of discovery.
This morning, I woke up to find a coiled imprint
At the foot of my bed.
They say I am protected from harm
Because the Virgin Mary put her heel
Upon a snake’s head and crushed it
For the sake of all pregnant women.
I am safe, I say to myself and pray for mercy
And recall the dead baby diamondback we found last fall.
It glittered like a tiny jeweled bracelet
And I almost picked it up,
Before I remembered my own warning to my daughter
To never, ever pick up anything suspicious.
I wish I’d done that with the man partly responsible
For the mess I’ve made.
The diamondback was like the lust I felt for him.
It glittered so beautifully
I had to pick it up and wear it for awhile,
Then like some Lazarus, it came to life,
By striking me with its poisonous fangs,
Leaving me to pay for my crime
Once by lying to myself
And twice for good measure.
Now I must suffer for my pleasure.
I curse, slam the wall again
And feel pain radiating from my navel
Down through my bowels
And am not able to get to the telephone
To call my mother.
I hear a splash and all of a sudden,
The snake darts from the hole I made in the wall
And crawls forward to slake its thirst.
I grit my teeth, but stand stock still
As the pain gnaws at my vitals.
I try to show no fear
As the snake takes a long drink of my water
Then slithers away,
But not fast enough to escape,
As screaming with pain and rage
with all the mother instinct I can muster,
and in the Virgin Mary’s name,
I raise the shovel and smash the snake,
Crushing its head,
As I double over and fall beside it
On the red, concrete floor.
For awhile, a ripple runs through its body,
Then it is still.
When my pain subsides, I fall asleep
And dream I’m dead
And hundreds of baby snakes are gathered at my wake.
They crawl all over my body
And I try to shake them off,
Until I realize they’re part of me.
At Saint Mary’s Hospital, the nurses and my doctor
Tell me how courageous I am
And the nuns even come to visit me.
They claim I have performed a miracle
And should be canonized.
Saint Peggy. “How does that sound?”
I ask Saint Patrick aloud
When left alone to hold my child.
I smile at her and tell her she is blessed.
The nuns have gone off to light some candles
And in the chapel.
They say they’re praying for special dispensation
But I don’t need that and neither does my girl.

Back home, after a few days, I realize

That I made a mistake in thinking I could take away my sins
When Mother tells me my new daughter is cursed
Because I killed a snake the day she was born.
“What a cruel mother you are," I tell her
And she says, “Yes, I’m just like all the others.
I should have smothered you when you were born.
I was so torn up inside, I nearly died for you
And you repay me with not one bastard, but two.
I never thought I’d call a whore my daughter.”
When I protest, she says, “There’s the door.”
After that, I decide to ignore her
And in a state between agitation and rest,
I remember something I had forgotten.
As I lay beside the snake.
I saw a tiny bunch of eggs spill out of her
And realized she was an expectant mother too
And simply wanted a drink to soothe herself
One desert afternoon
When mothers must decide to save
Or execute their children.

Elegy

Another poem from the prolific writer – Gordon Grilz. He is serving a life sentence in the Arizona Department of Corrections. His words and twists are among my favorite.

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Gordon GriIz

Bury me under a cloudy sky
with a cold wind and the threat of rain.
Put me in the ground when the grass has died
before me and the trees stand naked
against the overcast haze
of some November morning and I will not
rue so much this passing
nor grieve so hard this leaving.

I will descend upon you in the snow that falls,
be with you in the changing of the season,
the turning of the leaves,
and the moving of the shadows.

The Humming Bird

I’ve mentioned previously that our own son was incarcerated. A number of years ago we returned home from visiting him in prison. Our trip was always one of silence. When we arrived home, we were going through the motions of busyness. No talking, just busyness and each of us lost in our own sorrow and disappointment. I was sitting on the patio finishing up grooming our dogs. I had been observing a hummingbird at the feeder. All of a sudden the little guy made a huge right turn and entered the open patio door!

The chase was on! We blocked off all the open door ways, turned off any lights that were on, pulled the curtains closed so only the patio opening would be illuminated. It didn’t work. The poor little hummer frantically flew between our kitchen and living area. He kept bumping into the ceiling. It was so heartbreaking to watch this little bird. After 20-minutes or so of this frantic dance between him and us, the little guy landed on the ceiling fan. My husband gently picked him up and took him outside where he proceeded to the branch of our eucalyptus tree, chest heaving and trying to recover. He finally flew to the feeder, drank for a bit and headed off.

In review of this incident, the similarity struck me about the hummingbird and someone imprisoned: for all of its short life the hummingbird had the freedom of the sky, but while inside my house, the poor creature kept bumping into the ceiling. The ceiling was a foreign concept to him. Likewise, for those who are incarcerated, a secure perimeter is a foreign concept to them. For their time of imprisonment, for the duration of their sentence, they must become acclimated to this new and strange environment. Where they once had the freedom of the open skies, they now have restrictions, rules and regulations.

May they never get used to the environment of prison in the sense that they are so comfortable they find it difficult to return to society. May they use their time constructively and prepare for the time when they will be released back into society.

I think of those persons who work with the inmate population: the corrections officers, counselors, administrators, teachers, librarians, chaplains and the volunteers. May they be safe and ever vigilant. May they be persons of integrity and not abuse their positions of authority.

Just this past week in our state of Arizona, the Associate Press reported a third disturbance within four days broke out in a private prison in Kingman.

Units with the Arizona Department of Public Safety and the Mohave County Sheriff’s Office were helping the Department of Corrections with the unrest at Arizona State Prison-Kingman, officials said. The law enforcement officers are providing security around the perimeter of the prison.

Inmates in the Hualapai dormitory were “again refusing to comply with directives this afternoon,” said Andrew Wilder, spokesman for the Department of Corrections.

By Saturday evening, however, “all inmates were complying with directives,” Wilder said. He said he did not have information on whether any inmates were injured.

Saturday’s disturbance was not a riot, said Wilder, who added that the cause of the disturbance remains under investigation.

Corrections officials on Saturday evening were screening the inmates and checking the facility to make sure order was restored, he said.

On Friday, about 700 inmates at the prison were moved to new locations after disturbances on consecutive days left their housing units uninhabitable.

Nine corrections officers suffered minor injuries in the incidents at the prison, which has had a long history of problems. No inmate injuries were reported.

The first disturbance occurred Wednesday at a minimum-security unit, followed by what he described as an unrelated riot Thursday night at a medium-security unit that took several hours to quell, Wilder said.

Saturday’s incident “was clearly a significant disturbance, but it was not on a scale with what occurred (at the prison) Thursday evening to Friday morning,” Wilder said.

In 2010, three inmates escaped from the prison after a woman in a getaway car threw cutting tools over the fence and they broke out. The inmates went on a violent crime spree that included the murders of an Oklahoma couple during a camping trip in New Mexico. They were killed, and their bodies were found burned in their trailer. The inmates were caught, tried and received new prison sentences.

The Management and Training Corp. continued to operate the prison despite scathing criticism of its lax security during the escape.

An inmate at the prison — and the minimum-security unit where the disturbance happened this week — was sexually assaulted and beaten at the facility in January and died at a hospital three days later, according to a legal claim filed by his family. The legal action says emergency responders weren’t notified for nearly two hours.

The inmate, Neil Early, was serving a five-year sentence for theft and possession of drug paraphernalia after becoming addicted to heroin and stealing video games.

Arizona houses thousands of inmates in private prisons, and the industry has come under fire for its large donations to Republican politicians.

As I have previously stated, I do not believe that for profit prisons are the answer to prison overcrowding. I believe we must actively seek for reductions of prison sentencing for non-violent offenders. I follow a private prison watch group that is sponsored by a religious organization. Through them I learned that the illustrious Senator John McCain has benefited to the tune of over $30,000 from the private prison corporations. He has also been serving this state for 32 years. “We, the People” need to see that our representatives and senators have term limits and do not become career politicians. We need to ensure they do, in fact, represent us and not their own causes that profit them.

I am now stepping down from my soapbox.

~The Prison Librarian

It’s All About Corrections… or not

Another piece of poetry written by Gordon Grilz. He carefully plies his words and speaks the truth of private prisons. The almighty for profit beasts that warehouse human souls with no concern for positive programming to help eliminate the horrific recidivism rates, at least those in my state of Arizona.

If a private prison has 1500 beds and the state fills 750 beds, the state still pays for all 1500 beds. Isn’t that a fine example of fiduciary responsibility with tax payers funds?

I recently learned that one of our oldest Senator’s in this illustrious state has taken funds from a private prison to the tune of over $30,000.00. I trust the information as it came from a religious website that is adamant about social justice.

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Gordon Grilz

Corrections

The prisoners on the
make-work crew
are creating crop circle designs
in the dirt with their rakes
at ten cents an hour.
Modem hieroglyphics
record their histories
on the institutional landscape.

From the other side
of the canal bank
we hear the report
of gunfire as the guards
sharpen their skills
at the shooting range
pop pop pop
pop pop pop pop pop

It’s a parallel nightmare
in an overcrowded prison,
battleship gray building
full of double bunks
and no hope,
a human warehouse
where failures are stored
out of sight
out of mind.
When there is no more room
Arizona leases storage facilities
in other states
exporting its
throwaway population.

At night the desert reverts
under the shadow of the saguaro
as coyotes reclaim
their territory
from men with their
chain link obsession.

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More of Lucille Clifton’s Work

Here is another piece by Lucille Clifton. In it she describes being nonwhite, female, and self made. Even though I am considered a white woman, I identify with this piece. Maybe is is because no band aid ever made matches my skin tone, so I like to think of myself as a woman of color.

I even spit into a tube and had my DNA analyzed to see what I’m “made of.” I did end up with 1% of African blood from the Cameroon and the Bantu Peoples. I was thrilled and called my mother to tell her, her comment? “How wonderful for you.”  I am her only adopted child…

What ever it was that tried to kill Lucille (and all the rest of us), I am glad beyond measure it failed and that we had her for the time we did.

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Lucille Clifton

won’t you celebrate with me

won’t you celebrate with me
what i have shaped into
a kind of life? i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay,
my one hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.

In Other’s Words

I always loved April in the Prison Library. It was National Poetry Month and we would host Poetry Slams in the library. I invited the inmates to read original poems or something from a favorite author. I felt it helped to prepare them for “real world experience” to be able to speak publicly. To practice presence, articulation and “owning the space” would assist with future job interviews.

One of my favorite authors is Sandra Cisneros. She is not only a favored children’s author, but a poet of renown.  Today I am sharing one of her poems.

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Sandra Cisneros

Loose Woman

They say I’m a beast.
And feast on it. When all along
I thought that’s what a woman was.

They say I’m a bitch.
Or witch. I’ve claimed
the same and never winced.

They say I’m a macha, hell on wheels,
viva-la-vulva, fire and brimstone,
man-hating, devastating,
boogey-woman lesbian.
Not necessarily,
but I like the compliment.

The mob arrives with stones and sticks
to maim and lame and do me in.
All the same, when I open my mouth,
they wobble like gin.

Diamonds and pearls
tumble from my tongue.
Or toads and serpents.
Depending on the mood I’m in.

I like the itch I provoke.
The rustle of rumor
like crinoline.

I am the woman of myth and bullshit.
(True. I authored some of it.)
I built my house of ill repute.
Brick by brick. Labored,
loved and masoned it.

I live like so.
Heart as sail, ballast, rudder, bow.
Rowdy. Indulgent to excess.
My sin and success–
I think of me to gluttony.

By all accounts I am
a danger to society.
I’m Pancha Villa.

I break laws,
upset the natural order,
anguish the Pope and make fathers cry.
I am beyond the jaw of law.
I’m la desperada, most-wanted public enemy.
My happy picture grinning from the wall.

I strike terror among the men.
I can’t be bothered what they think.
Que se vayan a la ching chang chong!
For this, the cross, the Calvary.
In other words, I’m anarchy.

I’m an aim-well,
shoot-sharp,
sharp-tongued,
sharp-thinking,
fast-speaking,
foot-loose,
loose-tongued,
let-loose,
woman-on-the-loose
loose woman.
Beware, honey.

I’m Bitch. Beast. Macha.
Wachale!
Ping! Ping! Ping!
I break things.

Wishes For Sons

Poem by Lucille Clifton

i wish them cramps.

i wish them a strange town
and the last tampon.
I wish them no 7-11.

i wish them one week early
and wearing a white skirt.
i wish them one week late.

later i wish them hot flashes
and clots like you
wouldn’t believe. let the
flashes come when they
meet someone special.
let the clots come
when they want to.

let them think they have accepted
arrogance in the universe,
then bring them to gynecologists
not unlike themselves.

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Lucille Clifton
1936-2010

I suppose I learned as much about poetry as those inmates in the Creative Writing Workshop. When I first read Ms Clifton’s work, I was mesmerized by the power of her words. Simple, pared down, no capitalization. I wanted to read more and more of her words. I found I could rest in the bosom of her words. Fortunately, our workshop was under the care of Professor Richard Shelton of the University of Arizona. We received many gifts of books and poetry reviews.

Clifton and Shelton were good friends, so we were blessed with a number of her books. Since I was the one who organized the processing of the books, I held on to hers until such time as I had finished reading her words.

She could twist a phrase around my heart, so that I was ashamed to have been born white and not know the pain of growing up in a segregated community. My small town upbringing was all white and as vanilla as one could ever imagine. That is, until I began to have a thought of my own and watch the national news during the turbulent 60’s and 70’s.  Civil rights, Viet Nam, the Kennedy family, the Rev. Martin Luther King, Malcom X and the feminist perspective.

Try as I might to express my thoughts, I was always shut down in the home I grew up in. I had more progressive family – the teachers, the educators who encouraged my thought and expression. It was so liberating to exchange ideas and thoughts with them.

As I am able, I will publish more of Lucille’s words as well as the inmate poetry.

Words That Speak Volumes

Words can speak volumes. Words like

Nodule

Mass

Adenocarcinoma

Lung cancer

When they are spoken directly to you, it is as if someone is throwing ice water down your back. I just counted… I’ve have 14 medical appointments since the end of January. These are the words I’ve heard. They are not the words of death, but quite the opposite. They are words of impending HOPE! Yes… hope and not dismay.

Then there is the word murder, as in the case of Gordon Grilz. An unfaithful wife, a jealous husband, a crime of passion. At least that’s what it seems to me.  These words carry the full weight of death. For every day that he lives, he is serving life.

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Gordon Grilz

Belated Farewell

If the only way
I can ever speak with you again
is to visit your grave
then I will come.

Do you recognize the footsteps
that approach you now?
It is me, your husband
who answered your betrayal
with a raging heart.

Do you see the gray man
who stands over you like the shadow of a cloud?
Do you hear the words of my confession
or smell the incense of the single rose
I place on your name?

I spent thirty years in a house of stones
waiting in penance for you to speak to me.
These tears are for you and for our children
who cried themselves to sleep without us.